Timshel's Blog

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Sat, 17 May 2008 16:03:27 -0700

I have to say Springtime is special to me right now.

I just love it all.

I find myself of dreaming of an apartment with a balcony or some sort of porch, I'd love that right now.

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67.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 03:09:57 -0700

Well, it would be anyway.

Happy Birthday Dad.

I just needed to say it.

I miss you too, everyday.

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I think I am finally back on the road.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 23:36:54 -0700

March..well almost April now..I neglected this venting device, not intentionally, just had that month where life took me on, instead of me taking life on..but I digress, it was totally worth it.

My mom finally visited. We had a total blast...the first time since my dad died...there were so low moments she still get upset, but I think the fog is clearing and she's slowly, hesitantly making her way.

I went to California for the PCA conference and presented a paper on comic books, well Batgirl to be exact..Not only is it getting published in some fancy academic journal but also a reader this Fall..that means a small amount of money, I'll be frank really small, but that also means a book you can buy in a store will have something I wrote in it...How about that? In your face, craptastic life!

Nextly, I say nextly because it's a blog and I want to make more words up...but my friend Adam visited..this 8 months in the making reunion, coincided with me getting laryngitis, but I can speak again, and did in fact, go to the bar and drink without a voice..probably not a wise decision but alas, I did it, with bells on.

I still get mopey over all things 'ex', but it's set in. We had our final throw down, or talk..really wasn't that bad, but didn't give me much peace...still confused on how he is getting married less than a year after he asked me to marry him, but I guess he thinks he has a good thing, hope he does what he can to not mess it up, like mine and others before.

Set in is a fancy masked phrase...all things considered, for the lack of a better term, my mojo is pretty nonexistent...I freak when guys talk to me. I went on one hall of fame winning bad date and I think this is the longest I've gone without kissing someone...2 months...that makes me sound like a ho, but I like the term codependent, much better.

I have some goals to achieve..like a job, grown up one to be exact...I need to stop sitting in this cell of an apartment and get out and live instead of watching the world live without me. I also need to not worry about things that I CANNOT control and focus on the things in front of me I'm neglecting, like school.

I'm not really neglecting it either, just half assing it more than is accustomed for my 'style' of educational endeavors.

I want to fully work on understanding who I am, I know it's fluid, but this face I see in the mirror doesn't coincide with who I think I am...meaning I don't feel I fit my skin and I'm really yearning to bring those two together.

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Believing is only half the battle.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 02:58:32 -0800

I had one of those Saturday's where I stay at home and watch endless 'chick' flicks, oh how I abhor that label and they still leave me at the same conclusion..

Those things don't happen..at least not to average people, people I see, a person that I am...

The utter flaw of the romantic comedy, or romedy, is that they give everything in 2-d guise, so thinly veiled that you are so focused on the only 'real' or important goal, love.

It reduces women to the image of being nothing without a counterpart...yes they may have a career, great shoes, hair, house, car, what have you, but in the end all of that is meaningless, and when it comes down to it, love is the only real thing.in fact all that 'crap' is there to fill the void of that missing piece.

Each movie sets up this same exact premise with the same exact end result...only few movies have ever done it different...maybe My Best Friend's Wedding, after all she got the gay guy since they portrayed gay men as also unhappy..and marginalized like the career woman...because if I remember right he chose the girl who didn't really have a career anyway....

Not cynical at all as I write this.

So what movies tell me is my chanel glasses, tokidoki bags, and cute beetle are only tokens of my goals as I am unable to find love..and once I find love I won't care anymore about those said things and if I still do, it's okay he'll buy them for me or something...

This is being stereotypical of course, but you get the idea...in the end it boils down to some version of possession, etc...and that makes me sad...

Love is supposed to be a meaning a feeling a dream a hope a desire, a want over a need yet we reduce it to comparable materialistic worth...or do I have it wrong am I clueless and in the end it's all about choosing the guy with the best 401k.

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Things to not do when drunk...Vol. 1

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 01:40:13 -0800

Do not log into vox.

That is the first rule.

Wow.glad that was pretty impersonal and such, my last entry because I sure as hell don't remember writing it at all!

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So are you drunk, yea I'm drunk.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 01:00:25 -0800

First night out..REALLY...with grad students I get..we had blast. I want to do dirty things to the bartender...to bad he doesn't know I am alive.

In other news. I think I finally made a connection with my 'peers', or scratch that...not one's that suck to me at least.

I took a cab tonight too... 9 DOLLARS so worth the price of my freezing thighs.

I love beer, beer pong and good conversation.

I feel like a city girl for the time ever.

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Seriously, give me a damn shovel.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 00:41:56 -0800

That way I can bury myself a bit more.

My mom had a semi-serious heart attack last evening.

Her BP won't stabilize and I can't get out of classes. The doctor assured me she should be okay and I shouldn't try to come home unless I can, so that made me feel a bit better...

However, the amount of sheer panic and fear I had in me when my Aunt called, because my sister called her and not me, so nice...

took me back to the day I got the call about my dad...and I've been fighting it all from last night to this very evening...

I'm really not ready to be alone in this world.

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Ever so often you have to let some happiness inside you.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 13:11:06 -0800

It may not be about my life...but it was definitely a nice thing to read.

http://www.kctv5.com/news/15296127/detail.html?rss=kan&psp=news

Sometimes, I wish there was someone out there looking for me who appreciated me without even knowing me. My own sibling doesn't even care if I am alive and that hurts, ya know...well she cares if she can get some limelight for it...but I digress...it's a good story it made me teary eyed.

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I just don't think I can live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was a virtue.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 01:12:55 -0800

Well..my sister furthered her awesomeness by probably losing her job...and by probably I mean, they demoted her and gave her 30 days to get zero complaints...which I assure you with her award wining demeanor..will be impossible.

I must have hope, cross my fingers, and other appendages.

However, if she does, this puts everything with my mom in jeopardy..the house etc...the only solution if this happens is either kicking my sister out and my mom really trying to micromanage what she does have until the house sells or me, hoping she can make it to May, drop out of school...and go back to a full time position, somewhere, until the house goes.

Either option sucks rather hardcore...but one things for certain my sister's lack of ability to do anything she says she will be accountable for, is finally reached its height...and dropped like it was the stock market in 1929, or say most of January this year.

My mom is in such a deep state of depression her body is shutting down. All her joints are sore...she feels all pain..and can barely do anything for herself...it's like watching someone trying to live grasping at nothing, and slowly dying from fear and disappointment in herself..it's I think worse than watching anything my dad went through before he died.

I wish I had answers. I hoped this year would be better..I fight it too, but I guess I have to really try to figure out a way to fight for her.

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MacGyver has nothing on me.

nobody@vox.com(Timshel) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 11:46:37 -0800

I came back to the city a la wind on Sunday evening. Typically...as most of us do, I remembered my apartment being much more tidy than it was...it wasn't a wreck or anything but I'm pretty sure my half eaten slice of pizza on the counter indicated a fine night of intoxication the day before my departure.

It was an adrenaline rush, like how you feel when you're about to do something grand as I walked three city blocks with luggage to get 'home'. I'll be honest I sort of wondered if city rats or squatters had taken my home since I hadn't been here in 6 weeks and some days...

I approached my mailbox first..as I didn't put a stop mail delivery notice in..so I figured my mailbox would be an adventure to say the least...well...I was disappointed..lousy magazines that I don't even subscribe to but come to me were in there as well as...bills..ya know the kind you pay online and they still send you the paper..wasteful...there were 4 holiday cards though.

Okay so my point. I came in...and alas only the pizza appeared to be a squatter.

I put two calls in to my landlord for my light fixture and drain clog...as well as the ceiling leak that is so awesome. I think I have some luck with rental establishments and leaky ceilings...

Alas...none are fixed...until TODAY!

AH-HA I fought the good fight with the light fixture and after random tools and lots of cussing I have a light bulb now..I can pee in light and not by candlelight.

I attacked the drain too..and I used draino stuff, hot water and a plunger and the water is free at last!!!

Granted paying 600+ a month for this lovely shithole doesn't really make me feel any better since...I had to do the work that really wasn't my fault...but ya know...nothing like seeing hair that isn't yours come out of your drain for the second time now.

In other news..my two classes yesterday were awesome. Let's hope tonight is 3 for 3.

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