2 posts tagged “change”

March..well almost April now..I neglected this venting device, not intentionally, just had that month where life took me on, instead of me taking life on..but I digress, it was totally worth it.

My mom finally visited. We had a total blast...the first time since my dad died...there were so low moments she still get upset, but I think the fog is clearing and she's slowly, hesitantly making her way.

I went to California for the PCA conference and presented a paper on comic books, well Batgirl to be exact..Not only is it getting published in some fancy academic journal but also a reader this Fall..that means a small amount of money, I'll be frank really small, but that also means a book you can buy in a store will have something I wrote in it...How about that? In your face, craptastic life!

Nextly, I say nextly because it's a blog and I want to make more words up...but my friend Adam visited..this 8 months in the making reunion, coincided with me getting laryngitis, but I can speak again, and did in fact, go to the bar and drink without a voice..probably not a wise decision but alas, I did it, with bells on.

I still get mopey over all things 'ex', but it's set in. We had our final throw down, or talk..really wasn't that bad, but didn't give me much peace...still confused on how he is getting married less than a year after he asked me to marry him, but I guess he thinks he has a good thing, hope he does what he can to not mess it up, like mine and others before.

Set in is a fancy masked phrase...all things considered, for the lack of a better term, my mojo is pretty nonexistent...I freak when guys talk to me. I went on one hall of fame winning bad date and I think this is the longest I've gone without kissing someone...2 months...that makes me sound like a ho, but I like the term codependent, much better.

I have some goals to achieve..like a job, grown up one to be exact...I need to stop sitting in this cell of an apartment and get out and live instead of watching the world live without me. I also need to not worry about things that I CANNOT control and focus on the things in front of me I'm neglecting, like school.

I'm not really neglecting it either, just half assing it more than is accustomed for my 'style' of educational endeavors.

I want to fully work on understanding who I am, I know it's fluid, but this face I see in the mirror doesn't coincide with who I think I am...meaning I don't feel I fit my skin and I'm really yearning to bring those two together.

Sometimes life gets so crappy you can't even write about how crappy it is. I don't mean that in I feel sorry for myself woe is me kind of way, I mean it in so many things happen you don't even have time to stop and put it down...partially because you don't want the memories and partially because thinking about it just reminds you again how much it all sucks.

In some ways I thought 2006 was a bad year..and it was but 2007 represented bad choices I made, lots of them.

Giving someone my heart again that didn't deserve it...took the most out of me.

Moving to a city alone far away from all I know...proved to be the hardest and most alienating thing I've ever done.

My attitude, disposition and general demeanor has sucked for the  past 6 months and although most of you that  I hurt with that aren't even able to read this I am sorry, very sorry.

 
It's all my fault because I let things in my life affect me even things I knew shouldn't but I did and in turn, it made me act horribly towards others.

The worst part about love is just because it's large all encompassing and makes you swoon doesn't mean it is right. After 4 1/2 years of crap including a stupid relationship I tried to make work with someone else, I realized that just because you love someone more than anything doesn't mean it really makes you happy.

 I wouldn't have left and moved two states away if I really believed in my heart it would work. It's sad to know that, to know yourself that you wouldn't do things if you thought it would work.

I even asked for my job back, I even considered dropping out of this hellish grad program I used as a way out of my old life...but I didn't I stayed...and my heart just broke and this time the pieces which have been put together many time, re-glued, etc cannot be anymore.

The worst part is I know I could default. I could find someone to occupy my time...I know two that are willing and ready but in 2008 I won't be that girl, occupying my life with the opposite sex to feel complete versus figuring out who I am, which is more important.

However, this is fucking lonely. I haven't been 'alone' in nearly 5 years...and I mean I don't know how to handle it..It's like relearning to do something you did years ago, familiar yet very scary.

I'll figure it out, it probably just means a lot of trial and error.

Lots.

Otherwise, how else is life. Well I quit my awesome job and moved to Chicago. Why? To start over? Or To start something..either way it was to start...something. I'm back in college, 2nd master's degree seeking, for some reason, again...needed a reason to leave...
Do I like it? No. I miss my friends. I miss Kroger. I miss the bars back home. I miss familiar faces. I miss cheap drafts any day of the week. I miss  a life I had at some point that I don't even know if i had the  last year I lived in the dirty D.

Okay I kind of like it. I love culture. I love the hustle and bustle. I love public transportation. I love that my thighs actually have lesser cellulite than the last 5 years of my 20s. I love I can say anti-choice and not get dirty looks, I love that my dressing weird is normal there. I love that I can get cupcakes at the corner store on my street.

One thing I have learned which is like another heartbreak though..I really don't like school anymore. I mean I 'll get through this unnecessary degree...but if I ever get my PhD, it'll be far after this...I am pretty happy teaching at the CC level...and it actually has nothing to do with doubting my own intellect/ability, it has to do with seeing life differently...

I guess the one thing I got from P, and this is one of those, can't believe I am saying it and may never admit it again type statements, but ... school isn't all that. I know a degree...will get you places...comfy places...but it's hierarchal...back stabbing, and close minded...and I see it now...before I was a naive drone...just go go go, but now with actual real world experience in a lot of places...I see something completely different...life is not worth wasting on that...and right now it's a waste to me..I just want to be happy...

I want love, good friends, conversation, a beer, some cute clothes, my dog to be healthy, a nice place to lay my head and some hugs. I want to take stupid pictures in some photo booth, I want to dance without music in the parking lot at 3am, I don't want to sit in rooms and argue about theories that only 2% of the population in the world has ever heard of...I want to see smiles, have kids, buy a house...enjoy whomever if ever, a spouse...not be married to school...there is no dress rehearsal, life is a one act production.

My 2008 resolution is to not try to fix things I have already done..meaning no dating ex's, no moving back to Ohio, no giving up on choices I made, I have to stick through it and learn to live my new life...and love it and myself...so I can get to all the other things I want so badly.

I also want to actually document me...I am tired of hiding...I'm trying to come out of this shell I put myself in...well here I am.