4 posts tagged “happiness”
I have to say Springtime is special to me right now.
I just love it all.
I find myself of dreaming of an apartment with a balcony or some sort of porch, I'd love that right now.
Well, it would be anyway.
Happy Birthday Dad.
I just needed to say it.
I miss you too, everyday.
End of the year always brings out reflection in people, depending on your own personal view it may seem lame or trite or good for the soul; either way, I find myself doing this each year, like most as a way to reflect on what exactly I did do right or wrong with myself and people in my life throughout the past year.
As a side note, I realize one thing that has changed the most my meaning of home.
Home is a funny word. My home has turned, somehow into not being here, (rents house) as much as it is my home in the D. I didn't really and still don't see D as my "home", even my drivers liscense has my family address on it, yes 25 and still using that address even though, i've not been a resident of this house since August of 1999.
I sort of feel nomadic. It could be this month of not really having a bed or a room, shifting between couch and then the boy's bed. I don't particularly enjoy this lifestyle but am unsure how I would feel it if were any different. Either way, this is just a house that had home memories. It's not even because of my dad dying this year, it's because I don't really live here anymore...it took me a while to figure that part out.
Let's go back to the beginning shall we...
I started of 2006 with one hope that it ended better than 2005...and it has, sort of. I rang in the new year with a dear friend I won't even get to see at the end of this year, W because well, I'm a grown up. I have shit to do. Real adult stuff and I can't put it off and I can't choose fun over somethings. edit: I'm fucking responsbility in the bum and coming back to see her.
More so, I've learned that things happen and you can't do anything about it. I've learned that having 5 friends is better than knowing 20 people who say they are you friend. A good time is not going out and getting fucked up nor is a good time just sitting around on your ass, a good time can include the either former idea if there is good company to share with you and only then is it a good time. Doing those things alone may be good, a temporary fix to an ongoing problem, called life.
Jan- I moved to L with E. E and I are good roommates and good friends. I'm lucky for this although sometimes I am sure my great moods and mouth display otherwise. I'm quite lucky to have her in my life and all she has put up with and I hope she knows this. She is someone I want to know in twenty years. I can't say that about many people. I still want to call her a friend in 20 years more importantly.
Feb- This lapses from Jan E and myself and Co decided to be derby girls. That was short lived. I abhor women. I am a feminist and feel chicken shit for even saying this, but it's true. Women are their own worst enemy. I can't believe how catty and shallow and back stabbing an entire sex can be, men suck too, but fuck girls and organized activities. I also hope after my stint with derby women that I do not turn into at 28 year old mother of how ever many kids, thinking by putting on a short skirt and fishnets on skate I can find myself again. I'll leave it at that.
March- With the exception of Jo coming to visit which was a blast this month was blah at best. I need to make sure I see this girl in 07 though, for sure. P and I...this was an ongoing debacle that started in Sept of 05 and didn't really end until August. He hurt me, I am sure I am hurting him now, but regardless no one should fuck with your heart and your head as much as he did. I had some good times. March was not one of them. March was the beginning of the end in my head, subconsious to be exact. That relationship involved a dead horse, a rock I beat, and some other lame ass expression to say it was overdone, fried and toasted.
April- The last hoorah with P and I. I say this because this was the last time I really tried to save that "relationship". We went to NYC the greatest and most sad time of my life. Never admitted it but I could just tell. I remember looking at him on Times Square, he was so happy, but it didn't matter I was there, I could have been any other girl or guy he knew and it wouldn't have mattered. There I saw that we were not a we, we were a he and i, and that was just something that I didn't know how to handle. The relationship was not a joint investment it was two people working together mostly against each other. I just hope he works on himself and becomes who he says he is.
May- The worst and best month of my life to date. I say this because of friends and death. My father passed on May 27, 2006.
Thomas C. Gildenmeister, 65, of Elyria, formerly of Amherst Township, died Saturday, May 27, 2006, at Community Health Partners Hospital in Lorain, after a long illness.
Born in Elyria, where he lived most of his life, he was a wholesale manager for Metro/Lexus in Brookpark, who also worked at Ford Motor Company’s Lorain Assembly Plant, owned Tom and Kip’s Pure Oil Service Station in Elyria and Bap Geon in Brookpark.
He also owned Gildy’s Treat Shoppe and Pizza in South Amherst.
He enjoyed collecting die-cast model cards, restoring classic cards and his membership with the Good Guys Hot Rod
Association.
Survivors include his wife of 42 years, Judy Gildenmeister (nee Gray); daughters Claudia Gildenmeister of Elyria, Dawn Gildenmeister of Dayton
I was a daddy's little girl and still am. My dad is my hero and has been through much of my life, sans teen years because I was a bitch. It hurts because he'll never see me marry, or know his grandkids (if either happen) and he'll never see me turn into what I am to become, I'd love to meet myself in 20 years and see if I did him proud.
This was the best month because of the people who came to support me in it. E and A were and are still are the most selfless people for all they did during this time. I don't think I could have done it with as much composure and strength without them. K was also there and even P tried, and he did a decent job, it was kind of him. Very.
June: The aftermath. I went to Toronto for three days, three days after the funeral. P took my mom and I... I should say more about it, but I really can't. I had a good time but it was just temporary. It was just a nice trip let me clear my head...it was the last happy time I had with him and the beginning of a new me, which is still in the process of coming to form.
July: I can't really remember July. I know it involved my dog, Gaz which with P I got, I totally got her as a coping replacement for my father. I know this, but I can love something unconditionally and it won't leave me for at least a decade, I hope ;) I also went to an amusement park a lot, which helped me somewhat combat my fear of rollercoasters. It was much more than that. My dad's death did something to me that I have yet to fully grasp. It's paralyzed my zeal for doing crazy things. I used to be the type of person that would do about anything within reason of dying for it and now I have these moments where I can't even breathe if I thing of things involving high risk..I have to get over this and rollercoasters were a slight step in the right direction.
August: What is down must go up. I spent a lot of this month being not in D. I went to see extended family that I had not seen in about oh, 12 years, and sort of really met someone I knew for a long time. This is where the P and I finally broke. All ties...really. It was good and scary. I was single, but for the first time when starting a new relationship it was beautiful and nice and scary and the way it should be. I don't see J and I having a real long future, but I do know that whatever it brings I will enjoy.
September: Mini promotion. Got an office. Teaching mega full time (over 20 hrs) love teaching college. Enjoyed my life again. Was and am pretty happy.
October: Got flowers. Had some turmoil. Got over it. Smoothed over life for that moment. Considered phd schools, decided to apply.
November: moved to the B with E. Nice house move had some rough spots. I was stressed it sucked. E hurt herself, movers sort of sucked, it rained a lot and shit is still not done on my part. Like the new place though just ready to get back to it.
December: Well it's not over but here it is. I'll never understand my sister. I have to accept this. Challenge for 2007. My mom is sick. Not depressed but really sick. She needs to take care of herself. Regardless of J i think it's in my best interest to move here or closer and pursue phd here or near here. Good to recognize this as J and I called it quits. It started out not mutual and turned, which is for the best. My heart wasn't in it and I know it. I lied to myself or convinced myself a lot of that relationship. I won't move home, but I will be nearby and it'll give her some respite from her unhappiness and make us closer. She is really the last I have left, my sister and I will have a shallow at best relationship. We're 15 years apart and she is quite older and set in her ways and not willing to change and I am too young and inexperienced in life to give her the slack to help her or understand it, but I am willing to try. Work will be intense. This year made me realize one thing most importantly, whatever you have can go away at any second...
So I end 2006 with some friends, two failed relationships, a death, but possibily a good new start, sort of waiting on that.
That's it. If you read it thanks. Hope it wasn't too bad.
People I've come to be thankful for in the ways they've been there or touch my life (in no order): Erin, Adam, Daisy, Wardeh, Jo, Mary, Megan, Doug and Erik (I'm sure there or more I'm not good at this stuff, hehe.)
So I who has never observed Sweetest Day...for those of you that do not know..it's a made-up holiday about mushy love stuff....well I received 2 dozen purple roses as a wake-up present from the boy.
Firstly...he went out and got these while I slept and then came home and placed them on my coffee table...so when I woke up and came down stairs I would see them. I'm really floored I mattered that much.
Side note:
New Scissor Sisters album owns me.
