5 posts tagged “love”

Well, it would be anyway.

Happy Birthday Dad.

I just needed to say it.

I miss you too, everyday.

March..well almost April now..I neglected this venting device, not intentionally, just had that month where life took me on, instead of me taking life on..but I digress, it was totally worth it.

My mom finally visited. We had a total blast...the first time since my dad died...there were so low moments she still get upset, but I think the fog is clearing and she's slowly, hesitantly making her way.

I went to California for the PCA conference and presented a paper on comic books, well Batgirl to be exact..Not only is it getting published in some fancy academic journal but also a reader this Fall..that means a small amount of money, I'll be frank really small, but that also means a book you can buy in a store will have something I wrote in it...How about that? In your face, craptastic life!

Nextly, I say nextly because it's a blog and I want to make more words up...but my friend Adam visited..this 8 months in the making reunion, coincided with me getting laryngitis, but I can speak again, and did in fact, go to the bar and drink without a voice..probably not a wise decision but alas, I did it, with bells on.

I still get mopey over all things 'ex', but it's set in. We had our final throw down, or talk..really wasn't that bad, but didn't give me much peace...still confused on how he is getting married less than a year after he asked me to marry him, but I guess he thinks he has a good thing, hope he does what he can to not mess it up, like mine and others before.

Set in is a fancy masked phrase...all things considered, for the lack of a better term, my mojo is pretty nonexistent...I freak when guys talk to me. I went on one hall of fame winning bad date and I think this is the longest I've gone without kissing someone...2 months...that makes me sound like a ho, but I like the term codependent, much better.

I have some goals to achieve..like a job, grown up one to be exact...I need to stop sitting in this cell of an apartment and get out and live instead of watching the world live without me. I also need to not worry about things that I CANNOT control and focus on the things in front of me I'm neglecting, like school.

I'm not really neglecting it either, just half assing it more than is accustomed for my 'style' of educational endeavors.

I want to fully work on understanding who I am, I know it's fluid, but this face I see in the mirror doesn't coincide with who I think I am...meaning I don't feel I fit my skin and I'm really yearning to bring those two together.

I had one of those Saturday's where I stay at home and watch endless 'chick' flicks, oh how I abhor that label and they still leave me at the same conclusion..

Those things don't happen..at least not to average people, people I see, a person that I am...

The utter flaw of the romantic comedy, or romedy, is that they give everything in 2-d guise, so thinly veiled that you are so focused on the only 'real' or important goal, love.

It reduces women to the image of being nothing without a counterpart...yes they may have a career, great shoes, hair, house, car, what have you, but in the end all of that is meaningless, and when it comes down to it, love is the only real thing.in fact all that 'crap' is there to fill the void of that missing piece.

Each movie sets up this same exact premise with the same exact end result...only few movies have ever done it different...maybe My Best Friend's Wedding, after all she got the gay guy since they portrayed gay men as also unhappy..and marginalized like the career woman...because if I remember right he chose the girl who didn't really have a career anyway....

Not cynical at all as I write this.

So what movies tell me is my chanel glasses, tokidoki bags, and cute beetle are only tokens of my goals as I am unable to find love..and once I find love I won't care anymore about those said things and if I still do, it's okay he'll buy them for me or something...

This is being stereotypical of course, but you get the idea...in the end it boils down to some version of possession, etc...and that makes me sad...

Love is supposed to be a meaning a feeling a dream a hope a desire, a want over a need yet we reduce it to comparable materialistic worth...or do I have it wrong am I clueless and in the end it's all about choosing the guy with the best 401k.

It may not be about my life...but it was definitely a nice thing to read.

http://www.kctv5.com/news/15296127/detail.html?rss=kan&psp=news

Sometimes, I wish there was someone out there looking for me who appreciated me without even knowing me. My own sibling doesn't even care if I am alive and that hurts, ya know...well she cares if she can get some limelight for it...but I digress...it's a good story it made me teary eyed.

Well..my sister furthered her awesomeness by probably losing her job...and by probably I mean, they demoted her and gave her 30 days to get zero complaints...which I assure you with her award wining demeanor..will be impossible.

I must have hope, cross my fingers, and other appendages.

However, if she does, this puts everything with my mom in jeopardy..the house etc...the only solution if this happens is either kicking my sister out and my mom really trying to micromanage what she does have until the house sells or me, hoping she can make it to May, drop out of school...and go back to a full time position, somewhere, until the house goes.

Either option sucks rather hardcore...but one things for certain my sister's lack of ability to do anything she says she will be accountable for, is finally reached its height...and dropped like it was the stock market in 1929, or say most of January this year.

My mom is in such a deep state of depression her body is shutting down. All her joints are sore...she feels all pain..and can barely do anything for herself...it's like watching someone trying to live grasping at nothing, and slowly dying from fear and disappointment in herself..it's I think worse than watching anything my dad went through before he died.

I wish I had answers. I hoped this year would be better..I fight it too, but I guess I have to really try to figure out a way to fight for her.