6 posts tagged “relationships”
I had one of those Saturday's where I stay at home and watch endless 'chick' flicks, oh how I abhor that label and they still leave me at the same conclusion..
Those things don't happen..at least not to average people, people I see, a person that I am...
The utter flaw of the romantic comedy, or romedy, is that they give everything in 2-d guise, so thinly veiled that you are so focused on the only 'real' or important goal, love.
It reduces women to the image of being nothing without a counterpart...yes they may have a career, great shoes, hair, house, car, what have you, but in the end all of that is meaningless, and when it comes down to it, love is the only real thing.in fact all that 'crap' is there to fill the void of that missing piece.
Each movie sets up this same exact premise with the same exact end result...only few movies have ever done it different...maybe My Best Friend's Wedding, after all she got the gay guy since they portrayed gay men as also unhappy..and marginalized like the career woman...because if I remember right he chose the girl who didn't really have a career anyway....
Not cynical at all as I write this.
So what movies tell me is my chanel glasses, tokidoki bags, and cute beetle are only tokens of my goals as I am unable to find love..and once I find love I won't care anymore about those said things and if I still do, it's okay he'll buy them for me or something...
This is being stereotypical of course, but you get the idea...in the end it boils down to some version of possession, etc...and that makes me sad...
Love is supposed to be a meaning a feeling a dream a hope a desire, a want over a need yet we reduce it to comparable materialistic worth...or do I have it wrong am I clueless and in the end it's all about choosing the guy with the best 401k.
If you could ask any question in the world and get a true answer, who and what would you ask?
Submitted by jaypo.
Well I have the trite relationship one...and then the more plaguing why...question.
The first is narrow scoped and selfish. Also cheat-like since I added a half to it.
To the 'ex', why did you ask me to marry you several times yet...do all the things you did on your end to repeatedly fuck it up? (this latter part is the half)
Also since my dad died, I've been coming to terms to the why and what if factor of death.
I would want to know what happens when we do die and is there anything after this or is it as simple as we are all dying since the day we come into this world?
Sometimes life gets so crappy you can't even write about how crappy it is. I don't mean that in I feel sorry for myself woe is me kind of way, I mean it in so many things happen you don't even have time to stop and put it down...partially because you don't want the memories and partially because thinking about it just reminds you again how much it all sucks.
In some ways I thought 2006 was a bad year..and it was but 2007 represented bad choices I made, lots of them.
Giving someone my heart again that didn't deserve it...took the most out of me.
Moving to a city alone far away from all I know...proved to be the hardest and most alienating thing I've ever done.
My attitude, disposition and general demeanor has sucked for the past 6 months and although most of you that I hurt with that aren't even able to read this I am sorry, very sorry.
It's all my fault because I let things in my life affect me even things I knew shouldn't but I did and in turn, it made me act horribly towards others.
The worst part about love is just because it's large all encompassing and makes you swoon doesn't mean it is right. After 4 1/2 years of crap including a stupid relationship I tried to make work with someone else, I realized that just because you love someone more than anything doesn't mean it really makes you happy.
I wouldn't have left and moved two states away if I really believed in my heart it would work. It's sad to know that, to know yourself that you wouldn't do things if you thought it would work.
I even asked for my job back, I even considered dropping out of this hellish grad program I used as a way out of my old life...but I didn't I stayed...and my heart just broke and this time the pieces which have been put together many time, re-glued, etc cannot be anymore.
The worst part is I know I could default. I could find someone to occupy my time...I know two that are willing and ready but in 2008 I won't be that girl, occupying my life with the opposite sex to feel complete versus figuring out who I am, which is more important.
However, this is fucking lonely. I haven't been 'alone' in nearly 5 years...and I mean I don't know how to handle it..It's like relearning to do something you did years ago, familiar yet very scary.
I'll figure it out, it probably just means a lot of trial and error.
Lots.
Otherwise, how else is life. Well I quit my awesome job and moved to Chicago. Why? To start over? Or To start something..either way it was to start...something. I'm back in college, 2nd master's degree seeking, for some reason, again...needed a reason to leave...
Do I like it? No. I miss my friends. I miss Kroger. I miss the bars back home. I miss familiar faces. I miss cheap drafts any day of the week. I miss a life I had at some point that I don't even know if i had the last year I lived in the dirty D.
Okay I kind of like it. I love culture. I love the hustle and bustle. I love public transportation. I love that my thighs actually have lesser cellulite than the last 5 years of my 20s. I love I can say anti-choice and not get dirty looks, I love that my dressing weird is normal there. I love that I can get cupcakes at the corner store on my street.
One thing I have learned which is like another heartbreak though..I really don't like school anymore. I mean I 'll get through this unnecessary degree...but if I ever get my PhD, it'll be far after this...I am pretty happy teaching at the CC level...and it actually has nothing to do with doubting my own intellect/ability, it has to do with seeing life differently...
I guess the one thing I got from P, and this is one of those, can't believe I am saying it and may never admit it again type statements, but ... school isn't all that. I know a degree...will get you places...comfy places...but it's hierarchal...back stabbing, and close minded...and I see it now...before I was a naive drone...just go go go, but now with actual real world experience in a lot of places...I see something completely different...life is not worth wasting on that...and right now it's a waste to me..I just want to be happy...
I want love, good friends, conversation, a beer, some cute clothes, my dog to be healthy, a nice place to lay my head and some hugs. I want to take stupid pictures in some photo booth, I want to dance without music in the parking lot at 3am, I don't want to sit in rooms and argue about theories that only 2% of the population in the world has ever heard of...I want to see smiles, have kids, buy a house...enjoy whomever if ever, a spouse...not be married to school...there is no dress rehearsal, life is a one act production.
My 2008 resolution is to not try to fix things I have already done..meaning no dating ex's, no moving back to Ohio, no giving up on choices I made, I have to stick through it and learn to live my new life...and love it and myself...so I can get to all the other things I want so badly.
I also want to actually document me...I am tired of hiding...I'm trying to come out of this shell I put myself in...well here I am.
I've slowly gathered over the past few years, relationships (intimate/friend) I'm the "old reliable" one...I'm the one for some reason you call when you have problems like finding a place or a flat tire...in the past two days I've had two ex boyfriends call me about said issues. I get a call yesterday at 8pm about a flat tire...and today around 12:30am, a call about where something is located...I'm that person that always answers their phone and always helps.
How do you stop being this person without feeling like a huge piece of crap?
I'm fine with people coming to me occassionally, especially people I consider friends etc, but I'm tired of feeling like my "good traits" have a welcome sign above them that says, 24 hrs a day/ 7 days a week, exploit this, please.
I already deal with students trying to walk all over me, I don't need more people doing it on top of it, especially when I don't have anyone to go to when I really need anything (with the exception of super close friends I don't like exploiting), peope have lives I recognize this...I guess that's a factor other people have forgotten about general post industrialized humanity.
So I who has never observed Sweetest Day...for those of you that do not know..it's a made-up holiday about mushy love stuff....well I received 2 dozen purple roses as a wake-up present from the boy.
Firstly...he went out and got these while I slept and then came home and placed them on my coffee table...so when I woke up and came down stairs I would see them. I'm really floored I mattered that much.
Side note:
New Scissor Sisters album owns me.
This was the best and worst weekend.
Worst because boyfriend's newly purchased car had an engine malfunction stranding him here an extra day (although good for me because I like him and all sorts) which caused him to miss work.
Worst because said car went to shop today under warranty and they did not listen so upon departing, same problem yet again.
Boyfriend did not leave until very late. I feel bad for him.
Didn't get a lot of work done..not that I should consider that a worst category justifier here, but it did suck for me today and will tomorrow when I play catch up.
It also rained a lot.
Best weekend now...
Saw the boyfriend.
Mythical Kelli and fiance counterpart made appearance out. Miss mythical Kelli. Learned yet again why I dislike counterpart.
E and A also came which was super good fun. E could even tip it back.
Ran into other ppl and other places that I had not seen in years, literally also surprisingly good times.
Lots of fun.
Drinking was good.
Boy and I shopped as well. Boyfriends that shop bonus points. Boyfriends who shop and act interested major major bonus points.
Not drinking was also nice.
Nice dinners.
Great conversation
I really like him a lot.
He took me to the track, I wasn't a coward and I put on the big girl pants and handled his time trial in the car, once and didn't even freak out (pre-car being broke)
So best weekend category wins this round.
Very lucky girl indeed.
